Cereal 4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Christians I

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Breakfast of Champions
Four: Teenage Mutant Ninja Christians I

"Resistance is useless!"

"Say it like you mean it, Carl!"

"I DO mean it! Will you stop using my name? The H-E-A-T-H-E-N might hear."

"Damn it Carl, just because he’s not saved it doesn’t mean he can’t spell."

"Stop swearing Dave! It shows your lack of control over Satan’s pernicious influence."

"Carl do you even know what pernicious means?"

"Yes. It means… forget it. Let’s get back to business. Why don’t we try to brainwash…I mean convert him together."

"OK…Count of three."

"ONE!" shouted Carl.

"TWO!" shouted Dave.

"THREE!" shouted Paul "WOULD YOU TWO KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’M TRYING to SLEEP!!!" Carl and Dave shut the fuck up. Although they were teenage bible beaters and used to being verbally abused, they really had no idea what the hell they were doing. They had never kidnapped anyone before.

Paul went back to sleep, in an atypically virile fashion. Paul was the alpha male in the room, although he was bound to two card tables with an assortment of bungee cords and luggage straps in a fairly half-assed fashion. Clearly they had not consulted any porn before tying him up.

The kidnapping idea came to Carl one evening as he and Dave watched "This Week in Bible Prophecy," on the Trinity Broadcast Network. During commercial breaks Carl was ranting about the aggressive conversion of unsuspecting God fearing young red blooded heterosexual American males into faggots by the homosexual agenda, which was the focus of that week’s show "Queers and the End Time".

"Dave,"

"Yeah Carl,"

"Why can’t we do that."

"It is perverse, morally wrong, and against everything God stands for. God HATES fags." He looked at Carl in a quizzical manner. "Carl are you trying to test me, because all I wanted was a Pepsi, ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI CARL DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" His brow was becoming rather furrowed at this point and he was becoming, as Christians tend to do, rather sweaty and red faced from shouting about his moral certitude.

"Dave, I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about."

"Well, I haven’t a clue what you’re speaking of." Dave was blushing. How could Carl know his little secret? He had been so careful.

"I meant that we could forcefully convert the heathen atheist pinko Commie secular humanist queers into God fearing red-blooded heterosexual patriotic Christian Americans."

"Oh riiight. That’s what I thought you meant anyway."

"Of course you did."

Carl and Dave used study hall and lunch to plan tactical strategy. They picked Reed as a target since it was near Carl’s grandma’s house and was filled with plenty of slow-moving queer atheists. Once they had the place infiltrated their participation in any number of bizarre immoral activities would be ignored. Other than kidnapping and brainwashing they weren't going to participate in any immoral activities .

They dressed as hippies to fit in with the students and filched a map from Eliot, pretending to be prospective students, wandering around campus during the free time between Bible study and youth group. They wore patchouli, pretended to like the Grateful Dead, said ‘Peace’ and ‘Dude,’ and didn’t do drugs. Everyone thought they were narcs.

They were doing pretty well at hiding their identities. If the wily but heavily drugged Reedies had noticed that Dave and Carl were still in high school, their asses would’ve been kicked off campus before you could finish the phrase "Community Safety Officer."

They pinned a Watchtower to Paul’s shirt while he was asleep in Vollum as a trial run. They wanted to stuff a Bible in his bag, but they were stuck between the need to save his soul and the need not to get caught. Besides, they forgot their extra Bibles at Carl’s grandma’s house and the Jehovah’s witnesses had been ever so nice about giving them all those copies of Watchtower ‘to give out.’

Stealing a body had been easier than they anticipated. Paul was sleeping soundly on one of the sofas in the S.U. with his bookbag propped under his head. Carl and Dave wandered in, looking nervously about for their target. They recognized Paul by the "Queer Boys Make Me Wet" sticker on his jacket and the pro-evolution Darwin fish sticker that someone had slapped on his ass. Dave noticed the fish sticker. He also noticed Paul’s butt. Luckily, Carl didn’t notice. Carl gave Dave ‘the sign.’ Carl grabbed Paul’s head and Dave grabbed his feet. Paul, who was sleeping quite soundly under the power of his favorite sleeping pills didn’t even notice. They started for the door.

About two feet from freedom, some mean looking ass kicking lesbians stopped them.

"What are you doing with him?"

"Yeah, are you creating an unsafe space? Because if you are we’ll kick your little hippie asses."

"What?" said Carl.

Dave thought fast. "He’s our brother. Dude. We came here to visit with our parents and if we don’t get him to Sunday brunch, like tout suite, our asses are toast."

"Dave… I mean Moonbeam… what are you talking about?"

"Shut UP little brother."

Dave kicked Carl in the shin.

Carl kicked Dave in the butt, but in order to do so, he had to drop Paul’s head on the ground.

Paul’s head made a loud hollow noise as it hit the ground, but he didn’t wake up. Dave dropped Paul’s feet which, sneaker-encased, made very little noise.

Dave grabbed Carl’s arm, put him in a headlock, and gave him a big juicy noogie.

"You guys either really are brothers or some kind of psychos."

"He’s…. the … psy…. the psycho…." gasped Carl, who was suffering from a lack of oxygen.

"Ok, you’re free to go. Have a nice brunch." They waved in a grimly cheerful manner and took off for another location at which the ass kicking was presumably more plentiful.

"Hey…. Dave… could you….let me go?"

Dave let him go.

"Hey Carl… You want to get his bag?"

"I’m sorry Dave I can’t do that."

"Carl…Do you want to live long enough to redeem this boy’s soul?"

"Yes Dave, I’m sorry Dave…I’ll get the bag now."